Last Chance America

Let's see Jindal respond to this shit.

Gucamorning

Dear Chipotle,

Please open at 9 or 10 instead of 11. I will make it worth your while.

Sincerely,

Marshall Finch

David Lynch for President

Even before Bobby Jindal pulled a Budd Dwyer and killed himself on TV, I was struck yesterday by how this guy is the first Republican I've seen in a long time who doesn't make my skin crawl. He apparently has Presidential aspirations. A quick perusal of his CV indicates he may be another Romney, but he also played keyboards with REO Speedwagon once. Regardless, anybody who tells the GOP leadership how inconsequential they are gets my respect.

Well never mind the Washington Times can't even write its embed codes correctly. But here is the link to their article.

http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2009/feb/24/utah-governor-ignores-top-gop-legislators

I have long feared that my sins would return to visit me

I'm glad Mel Gibson has the sense of humor to understand he needs to do this, and the awareness to know that he's already made this exact movie twice. Except The Patriot is more insane.

Also he's made another splash saying he doesn't think Ledger's death was an accident, and he wishes he'd been able to heal hiim with his hands of Christ. I agree on both counts.

the heat around the corner

"We've been face to face, yeah. But I will not hesitate."

The Dress To Get Screwed Party

8:05- Every year my mind is tricked into thinking the show starts at 8. Every year this 30 minute red carpet thing crushes my soul. Though I do love Tim Gunn. He and Taraji P. Henson both being from DC would be an excellent example of why this city is awesome. Miley has done so much stupid shit and written (ha) a few catchy songs since I complained about her being on this red carpet last year. Maybe they would have nominated Bruce if he'd agreed to let her sing his song?

8:42- My comp crapped out around the time the guy was saying that there was no recession and that the Oscars set was based on the Vatican. I'll probably just write when someone awesome happens. So far this is sort of melting my face, but Hugh Jackman is fearless.

8:48- I'm glad Eva Marie Saint is still with us, but I now stand by my estimation to my friend that this show ends at 9am. Viva Penelope.

8:55- BRUUUUUUUGES? Hope so. Probably Milk or Wall-E. Yeah Milk. Eh. This is why I don't do every category. Why can't Steve Martin be that funny on screen?

9:03- My mind actually just thought oh Aniston and Jack Black, an Along Came Polly reunion. Poor Phil. I wonder if he's gone home.

9:35- Aw the guy from Slumdog didn't get Ben Stiller's Joaquin Phoenix routine. Which was dumb. Ben, my birthday buddy, don't make fun of the insane.

9:45- the Rogen/Franco thing was pretty awesome, and I'm finding the open disrespect for The Reader very charming.

Taking a break for the usual Madrid time dinner. Oh and PS that Japanese winner was a genius, turning the most awkward speech into the best of the night so far.

10:03- Minus Cuba (who is fine), this lineup of Best Supporting Actor presenters is basically my ideal cast for a movie. Walken and Michael Shannon should communicate telepathically.

That was really classy.

10:13- Bill Maher is the biggest comedown of all time. Sleazy bastard. Yes Bill you are very amazing. Go Man on Wire.

Phillipe!

10:21- God I love Tom Cruise.

10:42- Here comes Jerry. Will he yell about how there are no funny women? What the fuck is with all the Coldplay? Lovers in Japan was fine but Viva La Vida makes no sense here. He should already have an Oscar, for The King of Comedy. And Jerry's kids is pretty great yeah.

10:53- Thomas Newman finally has an Oscar? That mans work with strings is a lethal weapon. Genius. Oh no wait, here comes AR Rahman. I love these chill Indian guys who keep winning and teaching us a few Hindi phrases. I have nothing, but I have a mother.

10:56- And the Oscar goes to Bruce Springsteen? Oh, no? That's retarded. That performance was fun though. Leave it to John Legend to show how distinct a songwriter Peter Gabriel is.

My mom's two awesome comments: Look how little we understand about each other (At Slumdog) and "I don't care for that young man" (at Zac Efron)

11:06- Liam Neeson and Freida Pinto, the two most attractive people on earth. Go Waltz.

Whaaaaaaaaaat?

11:10- Should randomly mention I thought Jerry Lewis was very cool. Brevity is the soul of wit, yada yada.

11:20- Danny Boyle, fuckin' awesome. Responsible for so much great cinema. Sometimes the good guys win. Choose Life.

11:27- Yeah these acting tribute panels are a pretty good choice. This whole affair has been pretty fine.

11:35- You're great Kate, but shush. You do not have cancer of the face. You just won an Oscar. "Good girl, now get off." My mother should really be live-blogging.

11:36- Best Actor, moment of truth. As long as one of the two good Irish boys wins I'll be okay, but I think it's clear where my heart is.

Another dream cast. Anthony Hopkins got skinny, damn.

11:42- Well that's fine. Keep it in the family. Mickey's reward has already happened.

That speech was very cool.

11:49- Has it ever been more obvious how much weaker The Reader is than the rest of the nominees?

11:55- Yay Slumdog. Very sweet. I wish Anil Kapoor were my dad. Best Oscars I can remember in awhile actually, warts and all. Hugh can do this crazy thing as long as he wants.

FYI

Slumdog, Danny Boyle, Mickey Rourke, Kate Winslet, Heath Ledger, Penelope Cruz, Waltz with Bashir, Man on Wire.

Oh, forgot Waaaaaaaaaaaaalll E

WTF

Not that I'll ever have to deal with it, but I don't imagine I'd be very good at keeping my pleasant face if I lost. Perhaps we'll be seeing some of these reactions tonight. The only one I think they've put here incorrectly is Jack, because I really don't think he cares whether he wins anymore, the Oscars are already a dinner party thrown in his honor, where every year they make it more outlandish in an attempt to impress him. He might have been a little jealous about kissing Halle Berry though. Enjoy the show, I think I've been bullied into live-blogging it. Way to twist my arm, Lyndon Baines Justin.

Go Mickey.

In the Year 2009

In 12 minutes, the Conan O'Brien era of Late Night ends, and so does my youth, or something like that. I'll have some reaction in a bit.

Blowing Jon Voight's Mind

4:07

This is the craziest speech I've ever seen, in the best way. Rumsfeld has much to learn. Someone on YouTube called it impressionistic, I think I basically agree with that.

Drill, uh, Babies, Drill

This man is the Chairman of the Virginia GOP. As in the head. As in elected. By his peers. Apparently this was covered on Olbermann, but I got it in my Demo Memo email. Yeah, Demo Memo. We're not doing much better.

Crimes Against Humanity

Mind on Mencia has been added to Hulu, adding a level of danger to my insomniac viewings. A friend of mine pointed out that there haven't been ads for his show in forever, and hopefully it is canceled. He certainly is something that belongs in the past, like extraordinary rendition and harsh interrogation.

But on a whim, I tried to watch ten minutes of his show for the first time in 3 years. Where Joe Rogan went wrong is not emphasizing that thief or not, Mencia is not funny. Even by the standards of unfunny people, he is amazingly unfunny. I don't begrudge him his happiness, though as the least talented man to ever host a TV show, I do begrudge him his success.

I do realize this post is tremendously unnecessary and years out of date, but things haven't felt right with Carlos Mencia in the world. And I sense he knows that too. Or maybe it's just my wishful thinking that I hope he has trouble sleeping too.

Who's the Boss?

The Uncler w/ Uncle Sam and Alyssa Milano from Alyssa Milano

First of all, it's sad how a parody trailer for The Wrestler still gives me chills. Second, this has no right to work as well as it does. I thought Uncle Sam was Hank Azaria, but apparently not. Also Alyssa Milano clearly wanted this role in real life.

The Kiss-Off

On Valentine's Day, saying goodbye to 2008. My ten favorite movies of the year.



#10- The Bank Job: My love for Jason Statham is no secret, but this is the film where he turned into the new Bob Hoskins, even if we don't all know it yet. A really fun British gangster film, and not the usual kind. Saffron Burrows is also really fucking excellent in it. Not to diss my DC homegirl, but she should have the Oscar nod that went to Taraji P. Henson.



#9- Cloverfield: the hype was so enormous, but I feel that in the end all they promised was a new and awesome monster movie, and they delivered on that. Just solid film-making, and all the qualities of a really bad dream.



#8- Slumdog Millionaire: This is the Danny Boyle movie I can watch with my grandfather, and no, it is by no means his best. Still, I love it unreservedly.



#7- Waltz with Bashir: This might actually be the best movie from last year, but I find myself admiring it more than loving it. Probably because it does such a painful job of making me hate war, similar in that respect to Full Metal Jacket. It also strangely has a bitchin' soundtrack.



#6- Vicky Cristina Barcelona Not his best script, thought it is great, but this is the best directed film of Woody Allen's career. Everyone in it is super, but Penelope Cruz will deservedly be hoisting an Oscar for playing my deranged dream woman. Strangely moving, and like nothing else he's ever done.



#5- Man on Wire a great documentary with a central performance that rivals any of the nominees for Best Actor this year.



#4- The Wrestler Brutal, sometimes hard to take. It could conceivably age into the pantheon with ON THE WATERFRONT and RAGING BULL. If Mickey Rourke had to live his whole life to make this movie, it was worth it.



#3- In Bruges The best script of the year, with that great Irish gab. Uproarious, sad, and irresistible. They're filming midgets!



#2- Let the Right One In There are too many fucking vampire movies, but this might be the best ever. If you can even call it that.



#1- The Dark Knight There's no way to write about how this might be the film of our age without sounding like a pretentious dick, but that's exactly what it is. Staggering. Marlon Brando, Robert DeNiro, Daniel Day Lewis, Heath Ledger. Rest in peace.

Fuck You

Prepare the End is Extremely Fucking Nigh

Forget Wrestlemania

Rourke vs. Rose. The television event of the year. TONIGHT.

Nitrous

This is like a scene from a fucking David Lynch movie. Or the inverse of the Tobey Maguire scene in FEAR AND LOATHING, where this time the two most dorky and straight-edge guys abduct a total burn-out and try to drive him insane. I've read everywhere that is a put-on, but I kind of like to think Joaquin is going to stay in it forever now that the jig is up. I'm always willing to respect the small chance that he's completely lost his mind. What a terrifying experience this must have been in that case.

It goes without saying this would not work on any show but Letterman's.

Oi

This is just turning into a white trash copy of Justin's blog. But my posters are motherfucking HUGE.

In my fond recollection CRANK is quickly becoming the greatest movie ever made. Please watch it.

800 Scalps

Nothing makes me more nervous in 2009 than this movie, and the images here do nothing to alleviate that. I started reading the script PDFs but it just became something I couldn't get through. Tarantino is always very immature on the page. Though I don't regret reading all of KILL BILL a year before it came out when it hadn't been cast yet- I kept imagining Morgan Freeman as Bill, which is an idea that still makes sense to me.

Pitt's fine here, could have been better, though I agree with whomever it was on the internet who said if delivered better this line could have become a mainstay of gym teachers and football coaches everywhere. I scalp your milkshake. There is still the offensive potential for it to become Jim Zorn's rallying cry.

I mean I remain hopeful, but there doesn't seem to be anyone who is regressing as much as Quentin. He's really improved his direction enormously though, and maybe he's diddling around assembling all the skills necessary to make his magnum opus. Still, I have a feeling he'll never again reach the level of his first three films.

I can't stress enough how enormously retarded this script is. It's like the stuff we all wrote in 3rd Grade. Though not as good as Nicky Elliot's story where the bad guy screams so loudly in the back seat of the car that the windows shatter and cut his head off.

Two Daddies in the Remake of Probably My Favorite Movie Ever

...and I could not be less excited for anything, ever. First of all, where at they looking? Second, does this train even run anymore?

I Just Met this 5 foot 7 Boy Who's Just My Type

The pain is still so fresh. And she will never be funny, just like naked Nazi Winslet will never hot. And neither of those bitches can read, ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Happy 35th, Elizabeth Banks

I'm afraid I already felt that way about Laura Bush though. SafeSearch is off.

Evelyn I'm Not Coming Home Tonight

Your result for The Ultimate TRUE IRISH Test ...
Finn MacCool

You scored 91 Common Sense, 86 Irish Facts, and 88 Irish Soul!
I am honored to be in your presence. You know your stuff. You are Irish in your heart. You probably talk like an Irish person after a few pints. You sing the rebel songs. You drink, and probably bleed Guinness. You may have even been interned in British Prisions. You impress (or annoy) all your friends with your vast Irish knowledge. If you are a female, I am in love. If you are a male, we are brothers. We should have a pint. Please don't forget to rate my test...

The Emmisary

First of all, let's get this out of the way: A-Rod? Are you fucking serious fucko? You are not talking to the Commissioner of the More Taste League.

Obama spoke tonight about being asked when it struck him that he was President, and I take him at his word, but tonight is certainly when it struck me. And also how much better he is than anyone else, almost to the point where I feel bad for him. I don't see how he's going to go 8 years without losing his mind. Though I support him disbanding the government and still mumbling about schoolhouses that makes trains shake, or whatever.



He's a super-being from another planet. Just respect that he knows what hes doing. Will Smith already played him in a movie. Move bitch, get out the way.

Also Helen Thomas, you crazy.

God's Lonely Man

I wonder if we're far enough away from TAXI DRIVER for most of the teens who go to see this to not get it. And if they don't get it, will it be funny at all? This performance seems to embrace a cruelty Rogen has only hinted at before. This looks like a bold step for him, and if they get it right it could be quite interesting. Also, it has Danny McBride in a hairnet telling him to suck a gun like a dick.

Also a young'n and I were talking about the twin volcano movies in 1997 and the twin asteroid movies the next year. How do these things happen? There were supposed to be two Frida Kahlo movies also, the other one was going to star Jennifer Lopez.

I'm hoping OBSERVE AND REPORT is the DEEP IMPACT of Mall-Cop-with-Delusions films. Though I've enjoyed ARMAGEDDON a lot the three times I've watched it since January. VHS forever.

Grammy

Nothing else besides the Grammys makes it quite so obvious how awesome it must be to be famous, and just to rub shoulders with these people and still be as big a dick as you want. Which is not to say it's an aspiration, though there is no one sitting sweeter than Dave Grohl at the moment.

I was spaced out like a motherfucker watching it, and was told I should keep paying attention to things like Al Green and Justin Timberlake (good time) and Jonas Brothers and Stevie Wonder (abortion). If you ever want a typification of how far our culture has fallen listen to some of the music Little Stevie Wonder was making when he was Joe Jonas' age.

There were no huge moments for me, though before this show somehow the song American Boy had completely passed me by, and it's only through divine intervention that I'd already heard of Adele from watching a random episode of Secret Diary of a Call Girl rather than reading the rest of Medea.

Apparently Blink 182 is back. I take it the government could not countenance a bailout for Angels & Airwaves of +44. We're all making sacrifices.

Rourke is the Darkness, Kicking the Ass of the Darkness

My obsessive admiration for this man is becoming unhealthy. But I don't even think someone who got their ass kicked by him outside a bar in 1989 could not be moved by this. And the idea of Mickey and Richard Harris talking in heaven makes me want to believe in heaven. I mean it's not like I don't believe in hell.

Directed by Fred Durst

Yes, that Fred Durst.

Comment du Jour (the most prominent I'll ever be)

Whitmore was Here

I do feel bad about using this clip, but his work in the "Greatest Movie Ever Made" is the only thing I really know and certainly cherish. I'm shamefully unfamiliar with his earlier work in ASPHALT JUNGLE which I hear is amazing or in THEM which is about giant ants, so I already know it's amazing. He had a great voice, the way he read this letter was heartbreaking. Oh shit there's also this:



I've changed my mind about old people not being allowed to vote. They're the only ones who should.

The Mysteries of Pittsburgh

For some reason I feel like this moment didn't get its proper due, maybe because of the whole offense sells tickets defense wins championships nature of this country, but videos like this make me think that people did appreciate its epic quality even if it was overshadowed. Its poor quality and one of the few not removed for terms of use violation. I assume the NFL has hoarded all copies and that they now belong to James Harrison. But the music is so appropriate, even if at first I thought it was Vangelis' Blade Runner score, and that made this video maker my favorite esoteric football fan ever.

Maybe I'm just bitter because I missed the fucking fourth quarter.

Huge Man

Chesley Sullenberger, the captain of the Hudson River School of Aviation, recently asked for an extension on an overdue library book that sank with his airplane. I would probably not want to date this guys daughter, but he is a huge man.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/4527418/Transcript-reveals-calm-manner-of-Hudson-River-plane-crash-pilot.html

Smooth as ice. Tom Cruise is not the man to play him, there is only one person who could convey his steeliness: Dolph Lundgren. If we crash, we crash.

I'm Just a Little Person

Pay your taxes, deadbeat.

Chicago's Jesus, Crucified for No Fucking Reason